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When Friendship Wasn’t Allowed: Growing Up Controlled, Isolated, And “Too Much”
Growing up, I never understood why friendships never seemed to last for me. Anyone I tried to be friends with was never quite “good enough” at home. At school I drifted in and out of different groups, never settling, never staying long enough for anyone to really know me. It always felt like I was on the outside of something everyone else naturally belonged to. For years I thought this meant something was wrong with me, but now I see it for what it was, a childhood shaped b
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 302 min read
Was It Self Harm Or Something Else? Looking Back At My Childhood Skin Picking
I look back sometimes and remember something I never questioned. Those evenings where I would sit and pick at the tops of my arms. Squeezing spots. Pulling at scabs. Going back to the same places until they stung. I would do the same to my forehead. Tiny marks. Tiny wounds I made with my own fingers. I must have been about twelve, maybe thirteen or fourteen. Old enough to feel embarrassed. Young enough to not understand why I kept picking my skin. My mum used to tell me to pu
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 293 min read
How Did Nobody Notice?
by Rebecca Bloom There are moments when I look back and wonder how no one saw it. Not the teachers. Not the adults. Not the people who were meant to notice when a child is struggling. I understand why family did not see it. We became isolated. The walls closed in. There were fewer eyes. But school was different. Teachers were there every day. They saw me more than anyone else. And still nothing. For years I thought the problem was me. I thought I hid too well. I thought I was
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 273 min read
A Missed Childhood
by Rebecca Bloom There are times when I look back and realise I did not have a childhood in the way people talk about it. Not the kind with softness or safety. Not the kind where you are allowed to simply exist without proving anything. Mine was shaped by watching, listening and anticipating. By making myself small enough not to cause trouble and useful enough to be tolerated. I learned early that being a child was not an option. There was no space for play. No space for mist
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
For Years I Thought I Was Lazy. I Did Not Know How Deeply Exhausted I Was
by Rebecca Bloom For a long time I carried the shameful belief that I was lazy. I thought there was something wrong with me because I could not keep up with other people. I saw how easily others seemed to move through life and wondered why my body felt heavy even on the simplest days. I blamed myself. I criticised myself. I pushed myself harder than anyone ever knew. What I did not realise was that there is a difference between laziness and exhaustion. Laziness is a lack of d
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
When You Are Afraid to Stop Because Stopping Was Never Safe
by Rebecca Bloom Stillness is not simple for people who grew up in unsafe emotional environments. Stopping meant being noticed. Stopping meant being questioned. Stopping meant becoming visible in ways that felt threatening. I learned early that movement was safer than stillness. Keep going. Keep helping. Keep anticipating. Keep busy enough that no one asks what is wrong. So even now, when my body needs rest, fear rises. Not loud fear. Quiet fear. The kind that sits at the bot
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
Becoming Someone I Was Never Allowed to Be
by Rebecca Bloom There is a version of me I am meeting for the first time. She is not a return to my childhood. She is not a memory. She is not a past self. She is someone entirely new. Someone I could not become when I was young because my environment did not allow it. Growing up, I learned to shape myself around other people. To be what kept the peace. To be what kept me safe. To be what caused the least disruption. There was no room to explore who I was. Every part of me w
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
When Illness Reveals the Truth You Never Planned to See
by Rebecca Bloom I did not expect illness to teach me anything. I thought it would only take. Take my energy. Take my plans. Take the version of myself I had relied on for so long. And in many ways it did. But illness also revealed something I never would have seen while moving fast. It uncovered the life I had been living on borrowed strength. When rheumatoid arthritis entered my life, everything slowed. Not gently. Not gradually. It was a sudden, unavoidable stop. My pain b
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
The Child Who Grew Up Trying Not to Need Anything
by Rebecca Bloom There is a version of me that learned early that needing less meant hurting less. She learned that needs were inconvenient. That expressing them led to disappointment or silence or anger. So she found ways to make herself smaller. Quieter. Easier. She learned to disappear while still being present. I see her in myself even now. In the way I say I am fine before I check how I actually feel. In the way I apologise for things that are not my fault. In the way I
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
When Your Body Says Stop and Your Mind Says Keep Going
by Rebecca Bloom There is a conflict inside me that I feel almost every day. My mind tells me to keep moving. Keep trying. Keep proving I am fine. Keep being useful so no one has a reason to leave. But my body says something entirely different. It says stop. It says slow down. It says I cannot carry this anymore. For years I believed my mind. It was louder. Sharper. More familiar. It carried the rules of my childhood. Be helpful. Be calm. Be good. Do not rest unless everythin
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
Learning Safety for the First Time
Safety is a strange thing to learn as an adult. Some people grow up with it. They grow up knowing their feelings will be heard, their mistakes will not be used against them and their needs are not too much .I did not grow up with that. I grew up with caution. With watching faces for signs of change. With walking quietly. With trying to avoid becoming the reason someone else became upset. So even now, when life is calmer and gentler, safety feels unfamiliar. My body has been t
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
When Rest Feels Wrong Even When You Need It
I used to think exhaustion was something I could outrun. If I tried a little harder. If I kept going a little longer. If I stayed useful, busy and necessary. Rest never felt like a choice. It felt like a threat. As if slowing down would expose everything I had spent my whole life trying not to feel. As if stillness meant failure. When I finally needed rest, it did not feel comforting. It felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar, like wearing someone else’s clothes. My body was cryin
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
The Exhaustion That Is Not Fixed by Sleep
by Rebecca Bloom There is a kind of tiredness that sleep cannot reach. I did not understand this for most of my life. I thought exhaustion meant I needed an earlier night or a quieter weekend. I thought rest was something you could catch up on if you just tried hard enough. But the more my body slowed down, the more I realised I was carrying a different kind of fatigue. One that had nothing to do with hours of sleep and everything to do with years of pretending I was fine. Th
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 272 min read
When You Learn to Cope Before You Learn to Feel
by Rebecca Bloom Some children learn early that feelings are dangerous. They learn that tears make adults uncomfortable. That anger brings criticism. That sadness is ignored. That joy is too loud. So they learn to cope instead of feel. I was one of those children. I learned to think instead of cry. To solve instead of express. To adapt instead of object. To be understanding instead of being understood. It looked mature from the outside. Inside it was simply survival. Feeling
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 262 min read
When Rest Feels Wrong Even When You Need It
I used to think exhaustion was something I could outrun. If I tried a little harder. If I kept going a little longer. If I stayed useful, busy and necessary. Rest never felt like a choice. It felt like a threat. As if slowing down would expose everything I had spent my whole life trying not to feel. As if stillness meant failure. When I finally needed rest, it did not feel comforting. It felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar, like wearing someone else’s clothes. My body was cryin
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 262 min read
The Day My Body Made Me Slow Down
I did not recognise it as a beginning. I thought it was an ending. The day my body gave in felt like a failure I had been trying to outrun for years. Pain arrived quietly at first and then all at once, taking the speed I had built my whole life on. I had spent so long moving fast. Fast enough not to notice. Fast enough not to feel. Fast enough to avoid the questions that might have broken me if I ever stopped long enough to hear them. When everything slowed, I expected to fee
rebeccabloom2325
Nov 262 min read
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